Why Do I Even Bother?

I grew up in church.  I didn't grow up on hellfire and brimstone sermons, although I've heard enough to last a lifetime too.

My mother used to listen to Revelation while she was cleaning.  Or the Book of Daniel.  Revelation is all prophecy, although there is a lot in Daniel too.

At the end of the day, I'm a Christian for 2 reasons:

1- I was raised that way.  There was no such thing as freedom of religion in my home.  You went to church, and that was the end of it.  I'm a go-with-the-flow person, so this part doesn't bother me.  I'm glad I grew up that way.

2- I'm afraid of going to hell.  I grew up on End Times sermons.  I have an idea of what's going to happen.  I hear almost everyday, "It's a sign of the times."  To this day, I hate those kinds of sermons.  And they say if you're uneasy during a sermon like that, something's wrong.

All that being said, I'm not a good Christian.  I don't think I mean it when I ask forgiveness, or it just doesn't take.  I still make the same mistakes and have the same failings.  I know prayer works, I've had answered prayers before, and others that weren't.

I try to pray every night before bed.  Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.  I keep a prayer journal, and I don't feel like I've prayed until I've written in it.

Most of the time, though, it's very mechanical:

Let me get a real job.  Give me patience.  Please forgive me my sins and keep me forever in You.

Never fails.  Most of my prayers include this.  Sometimes I'll remember someone who asked for prayer.

I hate when people ask me to pray for them.  Mainly because I almost never remember.  The other reason is that you have to ask someone highly favored, a prayer warrior, if you really want something to happen.  Not that I don't think God answers prayers.  I've heard and seen too much to the contrary, but that's just not me.

So, the point of this is that I'm trying to come to grips with my faith.  What I believe, and what I don't.  And if I'm really a Christian or if I'm just someone who believes in Christ but doesn't follow doctrine.